19 April 2015, Sunday – A Change in Behaviour

Everything has come to a standstill. I can´t read books or magazines. I´ve stopped my sport rehab training and although I love swimming I avoid going to the pool. My motivation is out the window and I can barely concentrate.
I pick up the phone to deregister from my Norwegian course which I had wanted to continue next semester. How am I supposed to understand grammar rules or even learn vocabulary in my spaced-out state? On top of that I would have to talk to my classmates and I just don´t have the energy. Communication is difficult for me. Even relatives and best friends are affected. However, I´m glad when they phone to find out how we´re doing. They are extremely sympathetic and concerned about us although they themselves are hurting because of Jens´ death. It´s good to know that they´re there. Despite that I notice that since this happened I´ve hardly been able to listen when they start talking about their everyday lives. Normally I´m always interested in their problems. I have to make an effort as I don´t want to lose them. But our child is dead. Is dead, dead, dead!!! Everything else is irrelevant.
The things in life take on another significance. People usually get upset about the small things that don´t really matter for happiness. There are more important things. It only takes the blink of an eye for everything to change. Nothing is ever going to be the same again …
The pastor with the very long hair emailed me instructions for the lavender wrap which she promised to send at the Düsseldorf family members´ meeting. It´s supposed to have a soothing effect and helps reduce anxiety. I had told her that my heart was skipping beats or racing suddenly.

lavendel_ausg
I can also put the lavender oil on the soles of my feet and palms. “You´ll see that it really helps!!” she writes.
We decide to retain a lawyer recommended to us by some of the families. After speaking to him on the telephone and doing some background research we are absolutely confident that we have found the right person. He´s not your average, run-of-the-mill lawyer but a specialist who knows aviation law and is established internationally. He successfully represented the families of victims of other plane crashes. Without legal assistance we would be completely overwhelmed. If the situation gets tense Lufthansa won´t be able to take us to the cleaners. However, he assumes that an out-of-court settlement is possible. He is seeking to cooperate with other lawyers to file a class-action suit. I am dreading all of these things.

© Brigitte Voß / Translation: Ellen Rosenbaum

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