9 June 2015, Tuesday – Still waiting

°ELEVEN WEEKS AFTER THE DISASTER°
I hardly slept last night as sleep has been avoiding me since the tragedy. I try to entice it by doing relaxation exercises but once again it´s out of reach.
I sit on the balcony in my pyjamas for the umpteenth time. Odd cloud formations pass overhead like an elongated chain, each one the same, pointing the way with a narrow, rounded tip and pulling the bushy parts behind them which hang down like overfed bellies. New ones appear again and again. I´m amazed.
Is Jens sending us a message?
My husband gets up as well when he realises he´s alone in bed. When he discovers where I am he wants to bring me a blanket straightaway. I´m warm despite the cool darkness. We drink grappa, admire the clouds and eventually go to bed. I have bizarre dreams about the return of the remains from France and wake up drenched in sweat. I switch on the alarm light and groan. Only five o´clock. Even so I´m glad I managed three hours´ sleep.
Today passes just like yesterday. We´re waiting for some concrete information. When will we (and the funeral home) be able to meet Jens at our airport?
Melanie´s still waiting for Germanwings to ring as promised, but they never do. She keeps ringing them but can´t get a straight answer. We spend the whole day like this, sitting and staring at the telephone. Every time it rings we jump, startled. Two people call who are conducting some kind of telephone survey. Just what we need in this situation.
In the evening we still don´t know anything. At least Melanie was able to find out the details about her flight to Paris tomorrow.
I picture Jens´s remains arriving in Morocco (where some family members also live) and not in Germany. Or: what happens if the casket disappears in all the chaos? My imagination is running away with me again.
After dinner we try to distract ourselves by watching “Carrie 2“ by Stephen King. In the film the lead actress unleashes her mental powers to destroy everything in her path. Why can´t I be telekinetic? I could give my rage a massive outlet.
Late in the evening a special flight from France containing the remains of 44 victims of the Germanwings disaster lands at the Düsseldorf airport. Among them are the caskets of 16 high school students and two of their teachers from Haltern am See.
I cry. We still have to wait.

© Brigitte Voß / Translation: Ellen Rosenbaum

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